The feeling, The change in me

There’s a lot of people who care about me, I do appreciate and feeling thankful. I know it clear that my dad has gone and this is the reality that I have to accept it, yet my emotion need times. I couldn’t explain the feeling that I have now until I have read an article.

The article said “: In some ways, I see life as a puzzle – every experience you have forms a piece of your unique puzzle. When combined, they form the entire picture of your life. My Dad took a piece of my puzzle with him, a piece that will never return. I am incomplete without it, without him.”

He is not just a puzzle piece, and indeed a big and center piece that interconnected the others . I feel empty inside and lost without him. My mood is swinging, feeling okay one moment yet overwhelmed with sadness the next. I know, there is no more chances for me to get back the lost piece, piece of me have been missing forever and permanently, I need to learn to bear with this imperfect.

I thought of to share my trip’s experience with my dad right after I return back from Paris, he always loved to hear from me and at the same time he can recall and exchange his experience with me too. The moment I looked at his ashes, it forces me to accept that my dad has forever gone. They said time is healer, but as the time go on, I just find it hard to face that my dad has left me apart.

One of the hardest things about losing a parent is feeling like nobody will understand. Because everybody is difference and all the relationship is unique in the world, I am so close with him all the while. The memories are precious and nobody can replace, or re-live with it. I always emphasize and tell my sons that it is needed to make sure the important people in our life, knowing that how important they are before it is too late. Never let our love turn in to regret and pain. I have never hidden my love to my parent. However, it is not only the “believe” philosophy that having in my mind all these while, the loss of my dad, make me experienced it, felt it, how true the impotence is.

Every night when I am sitting in the living room, I will look at the chair that my dad used to sit, I will look at the bed in the room that he used to stay. I will look at the photo that I had with him, my dad has replaced by the emptiness. I always wondering where my dad is?  Many questions doubt in my mind without an answer, I guess I will never know. Every day, I talk to my dad, I talk to the God, how much I wish my doubt can be cleared, I still, didn’t give up for the answer. The only answer I told myself was “: Heaven was needing an Hero, that’s you.”

Because of my dad, I live my life carefully. And now because of the loss of my dad, my life will never be the same again. There is a lot more for me to act, to do, including for those I never thought of, now I have to start thinking of it,

how? Who? When? Where? What?

I want to make all these changes in my life as valuable as possible.

If dad still watching me, I want him to know that, I have never disappointed him. I want him to know that I still need his teaching, his answering to my queries and his proud feeling to have me.

# Never ask me again, if I am alright. I want to spill out all, yet there is no word for me to describe my feeling and I will just say ": I am not, but I will be alright when the times is right. thanks !"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFjAXHmjxQk&index=5&list=RDLQeM3YCQh6s